a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
