My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
