I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
