I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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