I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
