i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
