I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
