her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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