I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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