I'm really into asian looking animals
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
did i just pee glitter
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