I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
