I'm so fucking centered right now
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
