god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
