A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
