we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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