Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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