farters have to be the big spoon...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
