Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
