i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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