friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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