Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
FUCK WHALES
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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