this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
