I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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