So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
