Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Someone shit on the floor
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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