I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
