For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
