a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
