Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
