thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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