Tell her she can't have a vagina
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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