Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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