i was rollin on her like bob the builder
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
