Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
