I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
