Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
