The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
