How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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