Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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