Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
