ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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