Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
