I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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