So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
