I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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