My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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