she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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