rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
