I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
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why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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