My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
