I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
