Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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